Grief: Understanding the Impact and Healing Process

After the loss of a loved one, we may feel too many emotions at once. It is a part of what makes us human. Sadness is the most talked about, but there are many more unspoken feelings that may come up.. Grief rarely follows the path we expect. Understanding your grief may help you move towards  self-compassion and learn to process it in a healthy way.  

What is Grief? 

Grief is the emotional response to losing someone or something that is important to us. It is most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, but grief can follow many different kinds of losses.

You may grieve after the end of a relationship, divorce, losing a friendship, leaving a home or city, losing a job, experiencing a major change in your identity, or losing physical abilities due to illness or injury.

Some losses are visible to others, while others may be more difficult to explain. This does not make them any less significant.

What Are the Symptoms of Grief?

Grief can affect our emotions, bodies, thoughts, and behaviour. How it appears can vary depending on the person, the nature of the loss, their circumstances, and their cultural and social context.

Emotional Symptoms: Anger, sadness, guilt, emptiness, loneliness, and irritability. 

Physical Symptoms (Somatic symptoms): Fatigue, extreme changes in appetite, issues with sleeping, or tightness in the chest. 

Cognitive Symptoms: Difficulty with concentration, brain fog, constant thoughts of death, or overwhelming thoughts. 

Behavioral Symptoms: withdrawing from loved ones, restlessness, or displaying excessive anger to others. 

Recognising these changes can help you understand the nature of what you are experiencing. Sometimes, simply being able to name what is happening can be a first step towards taking care of yourself.  

What Are the Stages of Grief?

You may have heard of the five stages of grief, also known as the Kübler-Ross model. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

The model is widely known, but it is often misunderstood. Kübler-Ross originally developed these stages while working with people facing their own terminal illnesses. They were later applied more broadly to experiences of bereavement and loss.

The stages are not a prescribed sequence that everyone moves through. Grief is not linear, and people may experience some of these emotions, none of them, or several at the same time. You may feel acceptance one day and intense sadness the next. You may experience anger months after a loss, or feel a sense of relief alongside sadness.

The Kübler-Ross model can provide a language for some experiences of grief, but it should not be used as a checklist for determining whether you are grieving "correctly."

How Do You Process Grief?

Processing grief is not linear, and there is no standardised path for navigating loss. What grief looks like can vary from person to person, and even from day to day.

Rather than trying to move through grief in a particular order, it can help to acknowledge what you are feeling and give yourself space to experience those emotions. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional can also provide support as you navigate the changes that come with loss.

Grief can take time, and there is no need to rush the process. If you are looking for ways to cope with overwhelming emotions that come up, the following strategies may help.

How Do You Comfort Yourself While Grieving and Cope With Loss?

• Express your emotions: Whether it be through journaling, crying, painting, physical activity, or screaming into a pillow, let your emotions out rather than bottling them up. 
• Going outside: You may feel low on energy, but even a short walk around your neighbourhood or at the park may help lower cortisol levels and calm your anxious mind.
• Spend some time taking care of yourself: Grief can be overwhelming and exhausting. It’s alright to rest and take time to yourself when needed. Watch a tv-show you like, take a warm bath, read a book, or simply lay down and relax. These small acts of self care can help you feel more grounded. 
• Set a routine for yourself: Grief may feel confusing, chaotic, and overwhelming. Schedule simple things during the day such as when you’re going to eat, when you’re going to sleep, and when you go out may help you follow a routine throughout the day. 
• Talk to someone: Your grief may feel isolating and lonely; talking to someone and sharing your grief allows you to process complex thoughts and emotions. You may want to talk to a family member, friend or even a mental health professional. 
• Preserve memories: Moving forward does not mean forgetting a loved one.You might keep photographs, create a memory box, write down favourite memories, continue a tradition, or find another meaningful way to honour the relationship you shared. 
• Be patient with yourself: Some days may feel manageable, while others may bring the grief back intensely. This does not mean you are going backwards. Grief can change from day to day, and there is no timeline you need to follow. Give yourself permission to experience whatever emotions come up for you. 
• When Should You Seek Professional Help?

Some warning signs to look out for while grieving: 

• Consistent hopelessness that interferes with daily life. 
• Feeling numbness for a prolonged period of time. 
• Severe and persistent anxiety and overthinking. 
• Emotional numbness or the prolonged inability to perform normal tasks.
• Recurring thoughts of self harm or suicide. 
• Severe and constant somatic symptoms. This could include tightness in the chest, loss of appetite, tension headaches, extreme fatigue, muscle tension, or even a weak immune system. 

What Is the Best Kind of Therapy for Grief?

The right approach depends on the nature of the loss, your circumstances, your symptoms, and what kind of support feels appropriate to you.

Grief counselling can provide a space to talk about the loss, understand your emotions, and develop ways of coping with the changes that follow.

Support groups can also be valuable, particularly when grief has left you feeling isolated. Being around people who have experienced loss can offer a sense of understanding and connection.

For people experiencing prolonged or particularly complicated grief, structured psychological therapies may also be recommended. A mental health professional can help determine what approach may be most helpful  for your circumstances.

What Not to Do While Grieving

There is no set process to grieving, but there are a few things worth being mindful of.

• Don't force yourself to "move on" before you're ready. There is no universal timeline for grief. Give yourself permission to take the time you need.
• Don't compare your grief to someone else's. Two people can experience the same loss and respond very differently. The intensity, timing, and expression of grief can vary considerably.
• Try not to rely on substances to numb your grief. While they may provide temporary relief, using alcohol or other substances to avoid painful emotions can make coping more difficult over time.
• Don't feel pressured to hide your emotions. Grief can bring emotions that are difficult, unexpected, or contradictory. You don't have to push them away or make sense of them immediately. Giving yourself space to acknowledge what you're feeling can be an important part of adapting to your loss.

Myths vs Facts About Grief

Myth: Grief always follows the five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)

Fact: Grief does not follow a predictable sequence. You may experience some of these emotions, experience them in a different order, or experience emotions that aren't included in the model at all. You might feel sadness one day, anger the next, and even moments of relief or calm. None of these experiences mean you are grieving incorrectly.

Myth: Moving forward from a loss means forgetting the loved one. 

Fact: Moving forward does not mean leaving the relationship behind. You may continue to carry memories, traditions, values, stories, and other parts of that person with you. This is sometimes described as continuing bonds which encourages finding ways to maintain a meaningful connection while adapting to life after the loss.

Myth: Time heals all wounds. 

Fact: Time does not necessarily make grief disappear. For many people, the intensity of grief changes over time as they gradually learn to live with the loss. You may continue to miss someone while also finding moments of happiness, meaning, and connection in your life.

Myth: Feeling relief after a loss is wrong.

Fact: Relief can be a natural part of grief, particularly after a long period of caregiving or watching a loved one experience pain or declining health. Feeling relief that a loved one's suffering has ended does not diminish the love or sadness you may also feel.

Myth: There is a “hardest” stage of grief.

Fact: There is no universal hardest stage because there is no universal grieving process. One person may struggle most with sadness or loneliness, while another may find anger, guilt, or uncertainty more difficult. Your experience does not need to look like someone else's for your grief to be valid.